Well, hello everyone... someone? I have toyed around with the idea, in my head, about starting a blog for quite a while now. I kept going back to - but why would someone want to know about me?! Sad really, to think that way of yourself, but it really is what kept going thru my head. I have decided though if I don't think I'm worth you caring about then what kind of life am I living? How boring and wasteful is it of me to spend my life passing the time doing nothing of much importance!? Well, not nothing of importance but far too sporadic in between to feel like it matters much.
My hubs and I have spent the last few years trying to get pregnant and well I think somewhere along the way I hit pause because "I may get pregnant anytime now and I don't want to be in the middle of something!" - um yeah what a load of rubbish! Since when did pregnancy and kids mean that your life stops? And when in the world did I decide that is what motherhood was? Washing, cleaning, taking care of a little ball of cute little itsy bitsy... oh sorry lost myself there for a moment! Um back to what I was saying! When did I stop living my life because I MAY get pregnant... I think it was around the time of my last miscarriage almost 2 years ago. It was my second, our first... I'll share that story perhaps another time along with many others! Sorry - squirrel - darling squirrels, as my friend K calls them! So distracting those sweet rodents! Back to what I was saying... well typing! I had a miscarriage in June 2008 and I think I was lost for a bit after that and then in March 2009 my mother died very suddenly... And I thought losing a baby I barely knew but already loved was tough.
For weeks, months even, I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept putting one foot in front of the other but I was lost like I didn't know was possible. My best friend, my mother, the one who gave me life and was going to be there to spoil my children rotten, who I could call and talk to about what my dog did or how boring my week was and she thought it was so fascinating.... was gone. *snap* Just like that. Since then I have been STUCK in this rut and so has my sweet B. This rollercoaster rut where we are barely keeping our heads above water financially with our business and just are trying to survive... I'm tired of just surviving. There is more to life then getting to the next day. We both know it, now it's time to living it! I want to live! I want to take pictures of my MOMENTS! Of my MEMORIES! Of my LIFE! And I don't want to pick myself apart in those pictures because I've gained weight or my hair is thinner than it used to be.... I want to change. I AM going to change things if I don't like them. And I hope people.. someone! will come along for the ride because I can't believe God has given me the life he has to just shove it in a box I bury in the backyard. I believe it's to use it to help others. Let them know they aren't alone in this crazy world... that I'm not alone in LaLa Land! So as I take on knitting (I've been at it for 36 hrs now and have a very cute little 4 inch square!), getting healthy (I've only been saying that for a year, or four...), getting my story out there for everyone to know and learn from and recognize in their own lives.... as I learn to live again please join me. Make me accountable for what I say I'm going to do... I'll be honest! You do the same! Thanks for visiting me in LaLa Land.... I am really starting to like it here!
L
